## [Italian Opera]
# La donna e mobile Oh, what I ate today #
# Pasta fazul and army gruel #
## [Continues]
Do you realize that you are singing...
two entirely different operas, and they are both out of tune?
- Don't blame me. I didn't write this stuff. - As you were.
I'm always as I were, but thanks anyway.
I need a volunteer for a business trip.
I haven't volunteered since my draft board...
tied me up in a gunny sack and sent me over here.
The 8063rd is all agog...
over our arterial transplant technique.
And "gog" they should. We're fantastic.
You know, what you need is a humility transplant.
- Unfortunately, you'll never be a donor. - How unkind.
They heard we know how to save a leg when the artery's destroyed...
and the C.O. Up there begged me to send him my best surgeon...
- to demonstrate the technique. - Oh, now really, Colonel.
I'm far too busy to go traipsing over to every MASH unit...
that's too lazy to read a paper on the subject.
You just powder your buns, Major. I'm sending Pierce.
I thought you said "volunteers."
- I was breaking it to you gently. - Why me?
- Indeed, why him? - Yeah, why him?
Because he's done dozens of them. My goodness, but you boys are competitive.
[Margaret] Hurry up in there! Your time was up ten minutes ago!
You leave in the morning at 0800, so pack up your old kit bag...
and, uh, give us a little smile.
- I'm not so sure I love this. - And pick a nurse to go with you.
I'm not so sure I hate it either.
- Will you hurry up in here? - Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
- [All Clamoring] - Ladies, ladies.
Before you go in there and scrape off your current layer of Korea...
we have a request for one doctor and one nurse...
to demonstrate arterial transplants at the 8063rd.
Captain Pierce will be the doctor...
And one of you lucky folks will be the nurse.
I need someone who can explain this procedure fast and simple.
Someone with good hands who's about 5'5" with freshly laundered hair...
who does not have a tendency to giggle in the dark.
If you remember, Captain...
I assisted when Dr. Borelli taught you that operation.
Yes, and you were wonderful, Major. Just wonderful.
Could I take a look at your hands?
You're not gonna look at her hands or any other part of her. I'm going with you.
Well, I think a doctor should choose his nurse.
I'm going with him. Period. End of sentence.
- Comma. She is in charge of the nurses. - You said it!
Exclamation point.
Let's put it on a volunteer basis. Why don't I go with this volunteer here?
Because this is a nursing staff, not a harem.
Margaret, may I tell you something in short, easy-to-understand words?
Tell her tomorrow at 0800. Now, hit the sack.
Now I'm sorry I didn't use all the hot water.
- Hurry up. We'll be late. - Put them in there, Sabu.
- If it please you, Effendi. - Why should I be offended?
- Is that how you're gonna be dressed? - I try to look my best.
You know how jealous those other doctors can be.
Here's a box of sulfa and six cans of fancy cling peaches.
These aren't your puny slices. These are giant half peaches, big as your fist.
I thought we'd stop at a Howard Johnson's. I hate to eat in the car.
This ain't for you, Skeezix. I want you to do a little trading.
See if they've got some penicillin.
Don't take less than 50 vials of penicillin for those peaches.
Here, Major, before you go. You got a letter from Col. Penobscott.
Thank you. Would you mind standing back?
Why? Is something gonna jump out of it?
I don't want you reading over my shoulder.
- What is all this stuff? - Lipstick, nylons, perfume...
- And a jar of Charles's caviar. - You can only get so far with peaches.
- Did Charles mind? - Didn't say a word. Didn't even wake up.
You be sure and call us when you get there so we'll know you're all right.
- Yes, Dad. - [Gasping]
- Boy, he sure packs a lot in a few sentences. - Mind your own business.
- Don't do anything I wouldn't do. - What don't you do?
- I'll think of something. - Can we go?
- [Charles] He stole my caviar! - Bye, folks. We'll write.
He stole my caviar!
## [Hawkeye Singing Opera]
- Do you have to sing? - I didn't bring my tap shoes.
- You have a grating voice. - Oh, it's just a modest voice.
- I never thought of it as great. - Grating. Ting, ting.
- Hello. - What?
It's a game, right? Like knock, knock?
You say, "Ting, ting." I say, "Hello." Okay, go ahead.
Hello?
What's the joke?
The joke is that of all the people I could've driven 40 miles...
into the wilderness with, I had to get an orangutan.
Look, Margaret, why don't we make the best of this?
There's no reason we can't pass the time pleasantly.
Why don't you read me your letter?
Why don't you eat your steering wheel?
- Just trying to be friendly. - [Margaret Screams]
- What are you doing? - Getting out of here. What do you think?
- Keep moving! - You watch how fast I move once I turn around.
Straight ahead! They're not gonna hit anything!
They're hitting the road! You don't call that anything?
What are you gonna do? Go backwards all the way home?
I'm trying to find a place to turn around!
- [Margaret Screams] - Maybe you're right.
- On the other hand... - Are you trying to get us killed?
Get this car in gear and start driving that way!
Maybe you haven't noticed... They're lobbing shells over there.
Ignore them! [Screams]
Okay! [Yelling]
I can't hear you anymore. Do you read me?
Tell me if you read me, damn it!
[Man] Every other word. Say again.
- Not too clear. - What's happening? What's the problem?
[Klinger] The 8063rd had to bug out. The North Koreans were so close...
they were practically in their chow line.
- [B.J.] What about Hawk and Margaret? Are they with them? - I don't know.
- All I get now is static. - Can you try another frequency?
8063rd, this is MASH 4077. What's happening?
This is 8063rd. Do you copy? Over.
This is 4077. Pierce and Houlihan... Are they with you?
They never showed up.
Damn it. Why didn't you tell us you were gonna move?
Happened too fast. If they take the same road back...
there's a chance we'll see them.
- How big a chance? - [Static]
- You keep trying. I'll get Potter. - They bugged out.
[Margaret] That means we're behind enemy lines.
Let's get out of here. Hurry, will you?
- I'm hurrying. - Let's go!
We're going! We're going!
- Why are you taking this road? - Because they're not shelling it.
I try to avoid roads that are in the process of disappearing.
- [Explosion] - What's that?
Artillery. Don't be such a coward.
- [Engine Banging] - That!
Oh, that. Don't pay any attention.
[Engine Sputters, Dies]
If you don't mind, I'm gonna go into a mild panic.
There's just something wrong with the motor. Get out and fix it.
Oh, okay. Sure. No problem.
I'll have this thing going in no time.
- What are you doing? - You have to know how to treat these brutes.
I had a stubborn Studebaker once.
The only thing they understand is a good, swift kick in the radiator.
Open... the hood.
That's this, right?
There. It ought to be all downhill from here on.
Probably something very simple, like maybe a broken buckle on the fan belt.
- Let me see. - I thought you'd never ask.
Maybe the muffler unraveled.
Or... maybe the...
Maybe the radiator cap has snapped its brim.
I tried that already.
Margaret, face it. The patient is dead.
Why don't we pull a sheet over its headlights and move on?
- [Man Speaking Korean] - Hey.
Come on.
[Korean Continues]
[Starter Cranking]
[Engine Starts]
[Laughing, Cheering]
- I hope you're not blaming me for that. - How can a grown man...
be so mechanically incompetent?
- I take a lot of cabs. - Oh! Come on!
Boy, I wouldn't want to be those guys when the colonel finds out his jeep is missing.
Oh! Geez!
Captain, my chief surgeon and my head nurse are lost behind enemy lines.
Don't you think "l" Corps ought to find them?
Tell him you want to talk to the general.
Will you pipe down? Captain, I got the feeling I'm talking to a broken record.
Get me General Roberts.
You're afraid that's impossible?
Try not to be afraid, Captain. You're supposed to be a soldier.
When he comes in, I would really appreciate...
a little jingle on the talking machine.
How can they let them wander around behind enemy lines...
without lifting a finger to help them?
They're expecting some action in this area and don't want to send up a spotter plane...
- for fear it'll tip off the enemy. - Ridiculous! I don't accept that!
What are you getting mad at me for? I'm just delivering the message.
What did you do the day you were drafted? Shoot the Western Union boy?
First I tipped him. Look, I want somebody to find them.
- So do I! - I want somebody to start looking right now!
Stop dogging me, will ya? Heel! Heel!
# Peas, peas, peas, peas #
# Eating Goober's peas #
# Goodness, how delicious eating... #
Will you stop that?
- That's a Civil War marching song. - Not another idiotic note!
I was just trying to be military.
[Grunting]
You know, you shouldn't read while you walk. It makes you grunt.
Butt out, you... you...
You can't even fix a simple case of engine trouble.
- What kind of a man are you? - Certainly not a serviceman.
- In more ways than one. - Come here. Come here. Come here.
- Where are you going? - There's a YMCA over here.
Let's see if we can check in for the night.
Act like you got a mustache.
Cute.
This place is a handyman's delight.
- A real fixer-upper. - [Shell Explodes]
I'm not staying in here. It's a perfect target.
Margaret, some forward observer's probably using this hut as a registration point.
- He's not gonna destroy his own benchmark. - That's right.
I didn't know you knew anything military.
I learned it at the movies. Abbott and Costello Meet Hitler.
I just don't want to walk around out there while it's raining artillery shells.
Margaret, stay where you are. I'll be back in a minute.
- You're not going out there. - Hard to believe, isn't it?
You just said it was raining artillery shells.
- I'll run between the drops. - I'm coming with you.
Oh, no. Every time we try to do something together, we have a 20-minute debate about it.
I won't argue with you. Let's go. Just make sure you keep low.
Lower!
- I'll dig a tunnel. - You know absolutely nothing about soldiering.
I do not want to discuss my every breath with you.
- I'm not saying a word. - Good.
I'm not a buttinsky. Do it your way. Go by yourself.
- Thank you. - But keep low.
[Growling]
Keep low. Stay down. Hurry up!
Stay there! What are you doing? Get out of there!
- [Coughing] - Stay down! Keep low!
Stay down! Keep low! Keep low!
What's the matter with you? You run out there and risk your life...
and then you come back without him?
He's dead.
[Shell Explodes]
All right. You can get off me now.
- Yeah, well, uh... - You better get off me, buster!
- I think I got something stuck in my leg. - Oh, my God.
Wait a minute.
- [Fabric Tearing] - Margaret, there's no time for that now. Look at my wound.
Oh, will you be quiet? You're hurt. Do you want some morphine?
How bad is it? I can hardly feel it.
You got a hunk of wood in there. You want me to take it out?
Of course I do! If I want a souvenir, I'll go to a gift shop.
I'm gonna pour some alcohol on it. It might sting.
Stop twitching! You're making this very difficult!
- Forget it. Leave it in. - Just hold still.
Will you be quiet and hold still?
I can't get ahold of it. I don't want to make things worse.
No, me neither. No.
- There. Ah. - [Grunting]
- You want to look at it? - Don't be morbid.
Just clean it off and put a dressing on it.
- Let me give you a shot of morphine. - Stop pushing the morphine.
Okay, but this is gonna hurt a little.
That's all right. I'm tough.
- Uh-huh. - [Explosions Continue]
- I haven't even started yet. - I'm just practicing.
- Where's Colonel Potter? - Checking his list of classmates...
to see who can help find Captain Pierce and Major Houlihan.
Well, I have an appointment with him. It's absolutely crucial that I see him.
Still trying to get transferred, huh, Major?
Are you addressing me?
Major, we're both looking for that great exit sign in the sky.
- We're soul mates. - What we are is cell mates.
Beyond that minimal similarity, there's a vast difference which I can easily demonstrate...
by having you assigned to eternal K.P., if you get my drift.
Relax, Major. I'm on your side.
Maybe we could, uh, trade a few secrets...
butter each other's bread, if you get my drift.
Why don't you knit yourself a giant cesspool and go for a swim?
- I'm treading water right now, Major, just like you. - [Phone Ringing]
I hope that's good news.
MASH 4077 th.
Yes, sir. Right away, sir.
General Roberts! He could get me out of here in a minute...
if only he could see my outfit.
What a waste. I'll get Colonel Potter.
[Chuckling]
General Roberts?
This is Major Charles Emerson Winchester.
I just thought you'd like to know, sir, there's been quite an error...
in assignments here.
There's someone here who should be in Tokyo.
Yes, General. I-I am he.
Sad to say, I'm terribly overqualified for this...
very pleasant little... outfit, and l...
I beg your pardon? No.
General, I'm not wearing a dress. No.
You have me confused with a lunatic.
You don't?
May I ask what you mean by that?
No, I will not get a good grip on my nylons! How dare you!
Hello, General. Hello.
- The line's dead. - Indeed it is.
Our conversation was short and un-sweet.
- What did he say, Charles? - That idiot thought I was Klinger!
Roberts never was too bright. What's his estimate of the situation?
He told me to take my application for transfer...
and tuck it in my bra until the war was over.
- What did he say about Hawkeye and Margaret? - What... What?
- You idiot. - You know how long we've been trying to get through to him?
I'm gonna get you your transfer to another hospital, pal... as a patient!
Gentlemen, I am as concerned about them as you are.
I... I was temporarily blinded by the opportunity.
I will get General Roberts on the phone and straighten the whole thing out...
Stay away from that phone, or you'll be bunking with my horse.
I'm putting through the call myself.
Then I'm gonna sit here until somebody can find Pierce and Houlihan!
Listen, I want to apologize.
I'm sorry I insisted on going ahead when we started getting shelled.
Oh, that's all right. You come from a long line of courageous military people.
Insanity is hereditary.
- I suppose I deserve that. - No, you don't. I was being kind.
I was upset. I wasn't thinking clearly.
What's eating you, anyway? What is it, the letter?
- What's in it? - Never mind!
[Chuckling] What are you laughing at?
I just remembered.
You're gonna be sorry you were mean to me when you see what I brought.
Probably a bottle of that liquid rat poison of yours. Forget it.
Ha-ha on you.
- Japanese scotch. - Oh.
- So how good could that be? - How good does it have to be?
Give me the bottle. Is that cup clean?
It can't be too dirty. Whatever's in the bottom is still alive.
Just pass the cup.
Do you think we'll ever get out of here?
I was just gonna ask you the same question.
I don't like the war, you know. I hate it.
I hate the destruction.
The stupidity of the waste.
The disruption of personal lives.
- Margaret, what's in the letter? - Oh, well...
It probably would, uh, hand you a laugh, actually.
For instance... This is only the beginning.
"My dear Darleen..."
- Is that your nickname? - No.
- Why is he calling you Darleen? - He's not calling me Darleen.
He put this letter in the wrong envelope.
"My dear Darleen.
"How long it's been since we walked together...
"on the beach at Oahu.
"I can still see the moonlight splashing on your shoulders...
and hear the gentle whoosh, whoosh, whoosh of the waves."
His last letter to me dealt entirely with a self-loading...
semiautomatic submachine gun.
My letter went "clickety, click, click," whereas hers goes "whoosh, whoosh, whoosh."
- And splashing moonlight. - "I know you've heard I'm married.
"I'm sure you'd like her. She's competent and a hard worker.
"She'll make an excellent hostess when we return to the States.
All in all, a sturdy woman."
- Sturdy! - Sturdy is nice.
Sturdy can be uh, quite, uh...
I mean nothing to him!
If I were a half-ton truck, he'd be more lyrical about me.
And the worst thing is this stupid woman with the ocean whooshing...
all over her toes is this minute reading the letter he meant for me.
I'm sorry, Margaret. You must really hurt.
Hurt?
You know what it feels like to give your heart to somebody?
To live just for a glimpse of his handwriting in the mail?
To lose sight of his picture because you've covered it with lipstick?
And then to find out you're sturdy?
And then to have them lob artillery shells at you, huh?
It's certainly been an interesting day.
Margaret...
I wish there was something I could say to ease the pain.
I'm all right. I've always taken great pride...
in the fact that I can adjust to anything.
- Why don't you get it out of your system? - I'm fine! Thanks for the drink.
- You want some more? - Oh, a sip, maybe.
I'll sleep over there.
Oh, I think I should warn you...
If you come over here for any reason during the night, announce yourself.
- I intend to swing this to kill. - Good night.
- [Shell Exploding] - What? What? What?
- Stop it! Will you stop it? - Margaret, wait a minute.
We're people! You can't shoot at us like we're animals!
You want to drive us crazy? You want us to go insane? Is that what you want?
- Shut up! - Why don't you let us have one hour of sleep in peace?
- [Shell Explodes] - [Screaming] Stop it! Stop it!
You don't even know whether we're Americans or Chinese or Koreans!
- Margaret, come here. - I'm sorry. I'm afraid.
- Me too. So am I. - I don't like being afraid. It scares me.
Me too. I'd feel a lot braver if I weren't so scared.
- Please hold me. - I'm holding you.
- I can't feel it. Hold me. Hold me. - Margaret, I'm holding you.
- [Shell Explodes] - Will you cut it out? You want to kill us?
- For cryin' out loud, cut it out! - Stop it! Will you stop it!
- Just leave us alone! - Will you cut it out!
- Have you heard anything yet? - I've been ready to pounce on that telephone for two hours.
- Not a jingle. - If only we could get some news.
Any news.
You boys better get some sleep. We're gonna miss 'em in O.R. Tomorrow.
I can't sleep. I keep expecting him to walk through the door.
I've said an entire novena in one night.
I guess we'll just have to wait.
- I'm sure they're all right. - They must be going through hell out there.